Proof of God

There are many, often heated, discussions taking place about proof of God. About how he cannot exist as there is no physical evidence of Him. I, myself, have challenged my faith. Demanding God performs for me, proves His own existence. I was dismayed when He didn't. 'Ah Ha!' Atheists cry 'see-He doesn't prove he exists, therefore, he doesn't!'

As usual, in times of crisis, I turned to my Bible. Matthew 4, Jesus is tested in the wilderness. After temptations and tests of the devil Jesus answers, bluntly 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test'. To test Him is an act of the devil.

A non-believer will, of course, not believe in the devil either. For the greatest trick the devil ever performed was convincing the world he didn't exist. If you don't believe in the devil, how could you believe in God?

I have proof, within my own life, about Gods existence. Since turning to Him I have begun to beat depression, I no longer feel overwhelmingly lonely, I am at peace (most of the time) with myself. As I'm no longer consumed by my own misery I am a better friend, a better wife and a much better Mother. Coincidence? Yes, it could be put down to that, but, for me, this massive change can only be Gods work and I thank Him every day for it.

I realise not everyone will believe, this saddens me but I will never even attempt to argue someone into it. Religion, of any sort, is something people will (or won't) find for themselves, but I love my God for the change in me. Proof or not.

Good teaching

Todays church teaching was on temptation, not really applicable to me I was smugly thinking. Then 'temptation to test God' ah, right. Oops.

I realise now (after having Matthew 4 broken down and spoon fed to me) that by asking God for something specific, then getting all shirty when it doesn't happen, is testing Him and His love. Jesus didn't need to throw himself off a cliff to prove God would save him, he just knew that He would. So, God, I feel poorly, but instead of shaking my faith I know you will save me. Let's finish this realisation nicely.

Amen.

God, where are you?

I feel a little as if God has left me, stranded in the wilderness, beating snakes away with my two bare hands. After my fun, faith filled, ambulance ride last week I was taking back into hospital. Once more in unbearable pain, once more holding back the anguished tears so I didn't upset my toddler, once more pumped full of drugs. The cause of my pain? Unknown. I prayed, harder than ever, for a simple answer, to know what had happened, what was broke. But apparently, I'm just not meant to know.

The Devil is whispering harder than ever ' He doesn't love you.' 'He doesn't care.' and even ' He doesn't even exist'. Lies. I know He loves me, I know He cares and I most certainly know He exists. But right now, I don't need a Christian answer to my negativity. I need someone to hug, to tell me, yes it was shit, but you can eat cake now, and to feed me aforementioned cake. To fill my half empty glass up with the Holy Spirit and to give me a strong pair of snake wrangling gloves. I need my Christian support. And I really need a twix.

End.

Ambulance rides

In the last 6 months I have been in an ambulance 3 times. For  serious infection, a dislocated knee and, most recently, a burst ovarian cyst. For the first two journeys I was scared senseless, my pain was overbearing, my nails were imbedded in my husbands hand and I thought I, a humble shape of flesh, could never survive such torture. Last night was different.

The pain was akin to a cattle prod in my back. A switched on cattle prod. Once again I was chucked into an ambulance, plugged in to the entinox and was leaving permanent nail indents in my husbands hand. Once again I charted my pain (8 out of 10) and wound myself into the fetal position, once again I left mascara tear tracks all over my face. But this time I didn't think the worse, I knew my God would help me through, I knew this storm would pass and I would hopefully be stronger for it. I knew I wasn't suffering alone.

1 Corinthians 6:19 'or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? Your body is not your own'

He is here, whenever we need Him, and he will weather our storms, side by side with us. When we have our faith in Him we must never suffer alone.

Sandy shores

Magnified sand.

I was thinking about the line  'He even counts every hair on your head!' (Matthew 10:30) today. How God knows us, knows everything, our deepest secrets and desires. How he knows every single hair on our heads. 

To looks at the world mankind is just a blur, like sand on a beach, we are one and the same, all human, all capable of good and evil, all living for a reason though not really knowing what that reason is. What our journey will entail.

God see's us like sand too. But like magnified sand. As the picture above shows, every little speck that, to our naked eye, is the same as every other speck, is actually different. Is incredible and beautiful in it's own, unique way. Is a swirl of pattern, colour and detail that we simply can't see. But God can. He see's us for what we truly are, for what's hidden beneath the blah-ness.

And, through knowing us, he knows what our journey will be. Knows what will be paved before us. Right now, life is feeling pretty mundane, days swirl into one and weeks stretch unbroken, like a deserted beach (I like sand lots today) but, I have faith that the good things will come, by being obedient to His word and surviving the toils of now, I will be rewarded.

So, to sum up that gobbledygook. God knows you, every inch of you, the good and the bad. When life feels dull, you're in pain or other general suffering, believe in Him and that you will get what you need, in His time and to His plan. And lastly, no matter what is going on, your Bible (and cake) will see you through.

'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.'

Befriending

A lot of my thoughts and conversations have been based on friendships lately. Not bitching and moaning about people but the simple divide between healthy and unhealthy relationships. And whether the fight is more important than the friendship.

I have fallen out with people for many stupid reasons. Because I've felt abandoned, because my insecurities told me they preferred my friend, because they forgot to return a jumper they borrowed. All reasons, that in the grand scheme of things, mean absolutely nothing. But, a sensible devotional told me yesterday, you should always ask yourself whether you want to 'prove, or improve'.

IE. Do you care enough about the relationship to talk things through, to have an uncomfortable conversation. Or is proving your right (then most probably bitching about the person for the rest of forever) enough?

There are some relationships I haven't chosen to save. The ones that the Lord most probably deems unhealthy and hasn't prompted me too. But, on the flip side, I have formed strong attachments to people I have known for years, but never really known. My circle of friends have changed from one of moaning and complaining to one where we help each other and encourage, ironically, this circle contains a lot of the same people, but my change of attitude, my obedience, has prompted them to do the same. All in all, we're a much happier bunch, though there is still plenty of cake.

I firmly believe that spreading the word of Christ will create a happier community, a stronger sea of friendships and, eventually, a peaceful world. Anger and conflict, in the simple sense of falling out with a friend to the greater result of countries falling out with other countries is not God's plan. In fact, he tells us this is wrong;

'Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger' Ephesians 4:26

PS. Whilst writing this I have got very angry at the dog. He's trotted around the living room sticking his big snout in the babies face and barking at the tree outside. But, one deep breath later, I have decided I do love him and called him over for some attention. He's now calmly laying in his bed. Even animals appreciate this logic.

Believe and be baptised

In a discussion about baptising my children yesterday I was told, fairly bluntly, by my close friend and teacher, that I too needed to be baptised. Despite my fears of going under water and the logistics of mascara face (how waterproof really is waterproof?) the symbolism struck a chord with me. Since embarking upon my Christian life, since following the path of God, I have shed my sins and become fresh and new. I've found peace. So here is my testimony.

My real problems started at the age of 14. I saw a woman get run over. She was crossing the road towards her husband and newborn baby, a speeding car hit her and she flew into the air like a flying shadow. As she lay in a crumbled heap there was a riot of activity, people trying to help in ever way they could. I stood there, frozen, then walked away. Later I went to court and gave evidence but couldn't shake the guilt, what if I could have saved her?

My self worth was diminishing. I started ritually self harming, not eating, using drugs and alcohol to hide from this guilt. I grew up, learnt to drive, then had a dramatic crash with both brothers in the back of the car. More guilt.

By the time I turned 18 and went to university I was not in a good place at all. My drinking escalated, as did my lack of eating and self abuse. I overdosed and desperately wanted out. I was surviving, just, but I certainly wasn't living. This pattern continued til I met my husband and sought proper help.

Talking about my problems bought everything crashing down. A thwarted suicide attempt landed me in a mental hospital ward, amongst some very, very sick people. When I left I slowly pieced my life back together. I was doing better, and 3 years on and 2 kids later I was ok. Still taking antidepressants and having my down days, but ok.

Then I discovered God.

My first time at church taught me about forgiveness. About how holding a grudge is like swallowing rat poison and waiting for the other person to die. That day I actively sought to forgive a long standing grudge. Yet, it didn't occur to me to forgive myself. My guilt had opressed me for so long I was used to it. Then my teacher pointed me to this;

'judge not and you will not be judged;
Condemn not and you will not be condemned;
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.' Luke 6: 37

You will be forgiven. If God can forgive me, can hold me in His everlasting embrace, then I can actively forgive myself. I know the truth, I know the logic, but now I can use this logic to serve the Lord and to stop sinning through guilt. My body is a creation of Him and damaging it is like disregarding His love and care.

He truely is my heavenly Father, so, thankyou God for bringing me peace and for helping me through my trials. One day at a time. I cannot say I'm cured, but I know that showing faith and trusting God can only lead me onto the path of righteousness. I want to tell the world, to be a spark that starts a flame of faith. To help everyone turn their hearts to Him and to lead the existence He wants for us all.

Amen.

More than medical

I'm either incredibly brave, showing my trust and faith in God, or, incredibly stupid. I haven't quite decided yet.

But, here we go, I stopped my antidepressants, cold turkey (for those of you who aren't aware, this is not a good thing). A close friend stopped hers in the same way a while ago and watching her over-sensitive emotional state (which I'm pleased to say she skipped through unscathed) made me vow to keep taking my pills like a good girl and possibly, maybe, have some therapy. Except I didn't have therapy, and I did stop the meds. Why? Why would I, a sane, rational person, stop taking what I've been told I needed. Deliberately put myself through pain, sinking depression and a mental battle? Because I can fight. Because I hold the power the Lord put inside me, inside all of us, I can tell the devil to do one.

My depression, this label that I've lived by most of my life has been peeled off, scrunched up and cast away. Walking in His light leaves no space for mental darkness.

As an ending note, I am not, by any means saying all modern medicine is evil. Etc, etc. I'm due an operation soon, and I'll have it willingly knowing God is guiding my surgeons hands and I will (quite literally) walk again. But we hold the Holy Spirit in us, it should flow continuously like a river (wise words)  just waiting to be tapped into. When we need it.

In the words of He-man (an ever reliable literary source) 'I have the power!'

Evolution

My knee is very painful today so I'm spending my time lounging, relaxing and letting other people look after my children. This includes eating vegetarian percy pigs, drinking tea and instructing the cat to either lay down nicely or go away.

Whilst watching piranha 3d (but in 2d as the funny glasses make me feel like R2D2) my brain began working overtime. (this may have been due to all the sugar in everything I've eaten today) But, watching Kelly Brook being eaten by prehistoric piranha naturally made me think of evolution, or creation, what really happened? Did the chicken come before the egg? Or were they simply created at the same time?

We all know the Bible teaches that God created everything. All man and beast. That Adam named all creatures  'and whatsoever Adam named every creature, that was the name thereof'. So, God creates a T-Rex, Adam names it and the creature is placed upon the Earth. Then what? What happens next? Why did the dinosaurs die? Were they placed to shape the Earth, to encourage plant life and to pave the way for modern animals? Why are species slowly dying out? Is this a natural progression or yet another sign that mans rebellion against God is slowly leading to the end of all.

If all man stopped praying to their priests, to saints and statues, to all false idols and turned their hearts directly to God would our planet begin to turn back? Our summers to be sunny and our tigers to be growling, our sharks to be swimming gloriously and our waters to be pure once more.

I cannot hope to know the answer to these questions now. But, asking them and still putting my faith in God makes me powerful. I want to know the truth, and one day I will, but until that day comes I will pray, trust and do what God instructs me without blindly following my fellow man.

I realise this has gone way off topic. But bluntly put I want answers, and trust when I am ready I will get them. I don't want to give the enemy any power so will obey God's will, even if it's uncomfortable at the time and the end of the world scares me. It scares me that mans actions are causing it and that the signs are being missed.

Bring on a revival. A revival about reading and trusting the Bible and His word. Not about physical bodies.

Amen.

Being alone

'There is nothing, either good nor ill, but thinking makes it so - Hamlet'

This has been my motto for the last few years. It basically means that situations are only as good, or bad, as you allow them to be. Positive thinking equals a positive mind. And so on.

For too long now I have suffered with anxiety and depression, I've suffered because I've allowed myself to suffer. I've given in to the Enemies negative influence, I've hidden, I've self harmed and I've convinced myself I am worthless, less than a human, less than a being. I've told myself, day after day, night after night that I am alone, that those around me don't really care and will vanish when they realise what I'm really like. The real me is not worth knowing.

For too long I've been an island. Now, I'm a continent. Now, I'm Africa. (which incidentally I only recently discovered was a continent). The Lord 'holds us in an everlasting embrace' as we pull away, his hold increases. We are forever in his arms, and therefore, we are never alone. When I feel down, feel alone and lost in a swarm of people I can simply cast my mind to God. He is there, He understands and He knows what I'm trying to say when words are not enough.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' -Psalm 147: 4-5

If, like me, you suffer. Remember, you are not in this fight alone. Turn your anxieties to God, have faith and assurance that He will help, if you trust Him too.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Pain

'Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?' Psalm 6:2-3

I have a dodgy knee, a painful dodgy knee. I ignore it until I'm in agony. Today I have woken up in aforementioned agony. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. Basically, it hurts. A lot. This has sent me into a downward spiral, I would have very much liked to hide in my bed all day, moping, moaning and having a regular pity party. I called a friend to whinge about my stupid joints, to complain about how hard I have it. But really, how hard DO I have it?

'Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us.' Charles Kingsley

Ok, so I hurt. That naughty Devil is trying to bring me down, trying to make me turn my back on the Lord and ask that question, the one people utter in times of desperation;

"Why, if He loves us, does he let us suffer?"

Because we were not put here to have an easy time. We have trials, we have tests, we have suffering. Our bodies ache, our souls hurt, our eyes 'grow weak with sorrow' (Psalm 6:7). We need to respond well to these tests, to know, that despite our pains He does love us. This sums things up in words my brain won't find today;

'God never allows pain without a purpose in the lives of His children. He never allows Satan, nor circumstances, nor any ill-intending person to afflict us unless He uses that affliction for our good. God never wastes pain. He always causes it to work together for our ultimate good, the good of conforming us more to the likeness of His Son (see Romans 8:28-29).  - Jerry Bridges'

So, no moping for me today. I am up. I am dressed. I am trusting the Lord that he has big things planned for me and my knee. Though I probably won't be competing in the Olympics anytime soon.

Control

 'Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21'

I like to be in control. I plan meticulously, down to the minute, and feel all shaky and anxious if things don't go to plan. As well as controlling myself, I control my family. My children will eat at 5.30 and be asleep for 7.00, the Husband will be home at 4.00, unless I'm told otherwise and the washing must be hung on the line in a certain way. If these things don't happen, the world will probably explode, taking the unorganised chaos with it.

I have a dodgy knee (this is leading somewhere) and, through the power of Dr Google and obsessive House viewing (the program, not the brick structures) I have decided what is wrong with it and what needs to be done to fix it. I work myself up before each and every knee-man appointment, convinced that he will go against my 'medical' opinion and tell me to limp away.  When, he inevitably does not agree with my analysis I feel defeated, almost sick, this is what was supposed to happen. What I had planned to happen.

I struggle with the knowledge that my plan, no matter how carefully constructed, is not going to happen. God has chosen the right path for me, and this is what I will go along. If He thinks I need a full leg scan then fine, that is what shall be done. If things happen, things outside my control, to make dinner time slip to 5.42, then that is OK. His plan is what's best for me. So by (trying) to cast my scary, obsessive controlling nature away I will be that step closer to God. That step closer to my purpose and that mighty leap closer to His plan.

'Time, after all, is just a fraction of our existence. Anon'

'That people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.  Isaiah 45:6-7'

Pesky seasons

'Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.'

So. That's the longest quote ever. But that lovely verse got me thinking about the day to dayness of my life, how every ailment, every problem feels like it's never going to go away. But, as the seasons in nature change so do the seasons of our lives. In Spring for instance, trees sprout new buds, new life, just as God places hope in our hearts for our personal changes.

Right now I'm in a broken-knee-but-trying-to-be-positive season. I'm failing miserably and am mainly being a depressive moper whose obsessivly shaving my legs in case of surprise hospital visits. I'd give anything, even my right leg (irony), to be out frolicking in the sunshine. However, this is God's plan. And, through his grace and goodwill I will heal, mend and move onto my next season. This is my time for knee ache. But also my time for great, supportive friends. For teaching my babies all new skills. For sharing my love with my amazing husband and for learning even more about this awesome path I'm on.

All in all. My season ain't too bad.

Toddler School

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

I'm often told I'm strict on my toddler. I expect nice manners, I expect good behavior and will quite happily banish him to the naughty corner if he pushes these boundaries. I, however, will never hit him, rarely raise my voice and respond to him in the same polite, loving manner he speaks to me in. We have a happy time, every day is filled with laughter and I both love, and like, my child. 

Until now I've believed that my parenting 'style' (if there is such a thing) was a reflection on my own childhood. It's not. I do many things differently to how my Mother did. So, how did I learn to teach my children? To raise them in the way I do? It's not simply a gut instinct, it's not a natural response. There are times when the baby won't stop crying, the toddlers whinging for juice/spongebob/cake and I'm rapidly reaching the end of my tether. My natural instinct is to scream, to throw the baby out the window, to put my toddler in a room with the door closed. My gut response tells me to leave the house and ignore the noise, to take myself far, far away. But what do I do? I exhale, blow the anger away and focus on doing good and bringing the joy back. Be it with a cuddle and a story, whatever. 

God guides me in what should be done, in how to discipline, with a firm hand but without anger. For a happy life, for happy children and for a happy relationship with Him.

Flash forward

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. -Romans 8:18"

Whilst tweeting as my 2 year old (Yes, I do this) I saw this quote pop up in my tweet list thing. I understood the words, but did not, by any stretch of the imagination, understand the meaning. The point. So, I called Ruth.

I was going to pass her words off as my own. But, 3 years training in the great art of Creative Writing taught me that this is plagiarism and this is bad. So this is what she said;

"Imagine eternity is like a big, long piece of string. Maybe a circle of string with no end. Your time on Earth is such a tiny little piece, a cord within a cord within a cord. To ensure your eternity, the rest of your string, is glorious and wonderful, you may need to be uncomfortable for this speck of existence."

Those may not be her exact words, I made them prettier. But the 'point' is clear. Be uncomfortable now, follow God's word, be good to your fellow man and your eternity will be more than you can even imagine. Don't sweat the small stuff, it'll be worth it at the end, or the start. Whichever.

Being told.

Today, 48 hours in to Christian-hood, I was praying for God to help me be a better person, a better friend and an all round 'nice person'. The word Jeremiah kept popping into my head, closely followed by the number 17. Did this mean anything to me? No. Not at all. As far as I knew Jeremiah was a man, probably with a beard, who drove tractors and talked about hay. He may, or may not be Amish. I certainly didn't realise it was a book in the Bible. Though this would make more sense.

After a little research and a lengthy phone conversation I was lead to this passage;

'"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"' Jeremiah 29:11

I liked this. But couldn't quite understand how it related to being a good friend. Plus, the number 17 was following me round, interrupting my healthy McDonald's lunch and distracting me from important notebook buying.

17. It's not even a nice number. Not like 12.

Through further discussion with a very good, very Christian lady. I discovered this.

'“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”' Jeremiah 17:7-8 

Ah OK, so in answer to being a good friend? Be a good person. With my roots in goodness, my fruit will be good. With my life following God, my friendships, my relationships, even my writing. It will be good. With God on side, how could I fail? He's the best team captain you ever need.

If you like blogs, and like Jesus, read these blogs. They're great!   

Forgiveness

'Holding a grudge is like swallowing rat poison and waiting for the other person to die'

So, for all intents and purposes, a grudge hurts you. No one else. I'm not going to pretend I know a lot about Christianity. I took my first steps into becoming a fully fledged Christian a mere 24 hours ago and am learning, through the aid of Google and a good friend what I should be doing. But forgiveness is one of the key things, for me, that leaves a big old dirty smut right across my soul.

I am stubborn. Very stubborn. If (I perceive) someone has wronged me than that's it. They're gone and forgotten. I'll haphazardly block and shun people on Facebook. Then bitch and moan about them and use other friends profiles to stalk, to feel righteously slandered, angered and therefore bitch some more. But, and deep breath, it is time for me to move on. To realise it is not down to me to judge people. I have been, and am frequently, forgiven, by my friends, family and God. For not making it to baby group, for calling my husband a tosspot and, in a much, much larger way, for damaging myself.

Forgiveness is hard, and particularly uncomfortable. It goes against all my natural instincts to not cling onto these wrongs. But, to cleanse myself and keep a shiny soul I am inhaling deeply, wrapping those nasty feelings of bitterness into that breath and blowing them out. Gone. God can judge them now.

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you (attitude: forgive because you love the Lord)