Befriending

A lot of my thoughts and conversations have been based on friendships lately. Not bitching and moaning about people but the simple divide between healthy and unhealthy relationships. And whether the fight is more important than the friendship.

I have fallen out with people for many stupid reasons. Because I've felt abandoned, because my insecurities told me they preferred my friend, because they forgot to return a jumper they borrowed. All reasons, that in the grand scheme of things, mean absolutely nothing. But, a sensible devotional told me yesterday, you should always ask yourself whether you want to 'prove, or improve'.

IE. Do you care enough about the relationship to talk things through, to have an uncomfortable conversation. Or is proving your right (then most probably bitching about the person for the rest of forever) enough?

There are some relationships I haven't chosen to save. The ones that the Lord most probably deems unhealthy and hasn't prompted me too. But, on the flip side, I have formed strong attachments to people I have known for years, but never really known. My circle of friends have changed from one of moaning and complaining to one where we help each other and encourage, ironically, this circle contains a lot of the same people, but my change of attitude, my obedience, has prompted them to do the same. All in all, we're a much happier bunch, though there is still plenty of cake.

I firmly believe that spreading the word of Christ will create a happier community, a stronger sea of friendships and, eventually, a peaceful world. Anger and conflict, in the simple sense of falling out with a friend to the greater result of countries falling out with other countries is not God's plan. In fact, he tells us this is wrong;

'Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger' Ephesians 4:26

PS. Whilst writing this I have got very angry at the dog. He's trotted around the living room sticking his big snout in the babies face and barking at the tree outside. But, one deep breath later, I have decided I do love him and called him over for some attention. He's now calmly laying in his bed. Even animals appreciate this logic.

Believe and be baptised

In a discussion about baptising my children yesterday I was told, fairly bluntly, by my close friend and teacher, that I too needed to be baptised. Despite my fears of going under water and the logistics of mascara face (how waterproof really is waterproof?) the symbolism struck a chord with me. Since embarking upon my Christian life, since following the path of God, I have shed my sins and become fresh and new. I've found peace. So here is my testimony.

My real problems started at the age of 14. I saw a woman get run over. She was crossing the road towards her husband and newborn baby, a speeding car hit her and she flew into the air like a flying shadow. As she lay in a crumbled heap there was a riot of activity, people trying to help in ever way they could. I stood there, frozen, then walked away. Later I went to court and gave evidence but couldn't shake the guilt, what if I could have saved her?

My self worth was diminishing. I started ritually self harming, not eating, using drugs and alcohol to hide from this guilt. I grew up, learnt to drive, then had a dramatic crash with both brothers in the back of the car. More guilt.

By the time I turned 18 and went to university I was not in a good place at all. My drinking escalated, as did my lack of eating and self abuse. I overdosed and desperately wanted out. I was surviving, just, but I certainly wasn't living. This pattern continued til I met my husband and sought proper help.

Talking about my problems bought everything crashing down. A thwarted suicide attempt landed me in a mental hospital ward, amongst some very, very sick people. When I left I slowly pieced my life back together. I was doing better, and 3 years on and 2 kids later I was ok. Still taking antidepressants and having my down days, but ok.

Then I discovered God.

My first time at church taught me about forgiveness. About how holding a grudge is like swallowing rat poison and waiting for the other person to die. That day I actively sought to forgive a long standing grudge. Yet, it didn't occur to me to forgive myself. My guilt had opressed me for so long I was used to it. Then my teacher pointed me to this;

'judge not and you will not be judged;
Condemn not and you will not be condemned;
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.' Luke 6: 37

You will be forgiven. If God can forgive me, can hold me in His everlasting embrace, then I can actively forgive myself. I know the truth, I know the logic, but now I can use this logic to serve the Lord and to stop sinning through guilt. My body is a creation of Him and damaging it is like disregarding His love and care.

He truely is my heavenly Father, so, thankyou God for bringing me peace and for helping me through my trials. One day at a time. I cannot say I'm cured, but I know that showing faith and trusting God can only lead me onto the path of righteousness. I want to tell the world, to be a spark that starts a flame of faith. To help everyone turn their hearts to Him and to lead the existence He wants for us all.

Amen.

More than medical

I'm either incredibly brave, showing my trust and faith in God, or, incredibly stupid. I haven't quite decided yet.

But, here we go, I stopped my antidepressants, cold turkey (for those of you who aren't aware, this is not a good thing). A close friend stopped hers in the same way a while ago and watching her over-sensitive emotional state (which I'm pleased to say she skipped through unscathed) made me vow to keep taking my pills like a good girl and possibly, maybe, have some therapy. Except I didn't have therapy, and I did stop the meds. Why? Why would I, a sane, rational person, stop taking what I've been told I needed. Deliberately put myself through pain, sinking depression and a mental battle? Because I can fight. Because I hold the power the Lord put inside me, inside all of us, I can tell the devil to do one.

My depression, this label that I've lived by most of my life has been peeled off, scrunched up and cast away. Walking in His light leaves no space for mental darkness.

As an ending note, I am not, by any means saying all modern medicine is evil. Etc, etc. I'm due an operation soon, and I'll have it willingly knowing God is guiding my surgeons hands and I will (quite literally) walk again. But we hold the Holy Spirit in us, it should flow continuously like a river (wise words)  just waiting to be tapped into. When we need it.

In the words of He-man (an ever reliable literary source) 'I have the power!'

Evolution

My knee is very painful today so I'm spending my time lounging, relaxing and letting other people look after my children. This includes eating vegetarian percy pigs, drinking tea and instructing the cat to either lay down nicely or go away.

Whilst watching piranha 3d (but in 2d as the funny glasses make me feel like R2D2) my brain began working overtime. (this may have been due to all the sugar in everything I've eaten today) But, watching Kelly Brook being eaten by prehistoric piranha naturally made me think of evolution, or creation, what really happened? Did the chicken come before the egg? Or were they simply created at the same time?

We all know the Bible teaches that God created everything. All man and beast. That Adam named all creatures  'and whatsoever Adam named every creature, that was the name thereof'. So, God creates a T-Rex, Adam names it and the creature is placed upon the Earth. Then what? What happens next? Why did the dinosaurs die? Were they placed to shape the Earth, to encourage plant life and to pave the way for modern animals? Why are species slowly dying out? Is this a natural progression or yet another sign that mans rebellion against God is slowly leading to the end of all.

If all man stopped praying to their priests, to saints and statues, to all false idols and turned their hearts directly to God would our planet begin to turn back? Our summers to be sunny and our tigers to be growling, our sharks to be swimming gloriously and our waters to be pure once more.

I cannot hope to know the answer to these questions now. But, asking them and still putting my faith in God makes me powerful. I want to know the truth, and one day I will, but until that day comes I will pray, trust and do what God instructs me without blindly following my fellow man.

I realise this has gone way off topic. But bluntly put I want answers, and trust when I am ready I will get them. I don't want to give the enemy any power so will obey God's will, even if it's uncomfortable at the time and the end of the world scares me. It scares me that mans actions are causing it and that the signs are being missed.

Bring on a revival. A revival about reading and trusting the Bible and His word. Not about physical bodies.

Amen.

Being alone

'There is nothing, either good nor ill, but thinking makes it so - Hamlet'

This has been my motto for the last few years. It basically means that situations are only as good, or bad, as you allow them to be. Positive thinking equals a positive mind. And so on.

For too long now I have suffered with anxiety and depression, I've suffered because I've allowed myself to suffer. I've given in to the Enemies negative influence, I've hidden, I've self harmed and I've convinced myself I am worthless, less than a human, less than a being. I've told myself, day after day, night after night that I am alone, that those around me don't really care and will vanish when they realise what I'm really like. The real me is not worth knowing.

For too long I've been an island. Now, I'm a continent. Now, I'm Africa. (which incidentally I only recently discovered was a continent). The Lord 'holds us in an everlasting embrace' as we pull away, his hold increases. We are forever in his arms, and therefore, we are never alone. When I feel down, feel alone and lost in a swarm of people I can simply cast my mind to God. He is there, He understands and He knows what I'm trying to say when words are not enough.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' -Psalm 147: 4-5

If, like me, you suffer. Remember, you are not in this fight alone. Turn your anxieties to God, have faith and assurance that He will help, if you trust Him too.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Pain

'Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?' Psalm 6:2-3

I have a dodgy knee, a painful dodgy knee. I ignore it until I'm in agony. Today I have woken up in aforementioned agony. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. Basically, it hurts. A lot. This has sent me into a downward spiral, I would have very much liked to hide in my bed all day, moping, moaning and having a regular pity party. I called a friend to whinge about my stupid joints, to complain about how hard I have it. But really, how hard DO I have it?

'Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us.' Charles Kingsley

Ok, so I hurt. That naughty Devil is trying to bring me down, trying to make me turn my back on the Lord and ask that question, the one people utter in times of desperation;

"Why, if He loves us, does he let us suffer?"

Because we were not put here to have an easy time. We have trials, we have tests, we have suffering. Our bodies ache, our souls hurt, our eyes 'grow weak with sorrow' (Psalm 6:7). We need to respond well to these tests, to know, that despite our pains He does love us. This sums things up in words my brain won't find today;

'God never allows pain without a purpose in the lives of His children. He never allows Satan, nor circumstances, nor any ill-intending person to afflict us unless He uses that affliction for our good. God never wastes pain. He always causes it to work together for our ultimate good, the good of conforming us more to the likeness of His Son (see Romans 8:28-29).  - Jerry Bridges'

So, no moping for me today. I am up. I am dressed. I am trusting the Lord that he has big things planned for me and my knee. Though I probably won't be competing in the Olympics anytime soon.