Control

 'Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. Proverbs 19:21'

I like to be in control. I plan meticulously, down to the minute, and feel all shaky and anxious if things don't go to plan. As well as controlling myself, I control my family. My children will eat at 5.30 and be asleep for 7.00, the Husband will be home at 4.00, unless I'm told otherwise and the washing must be hung on the line in a certain way. If these things don't happen, the world will probably explode, taking the unorganised chaos with it.

I have a dodgy knee (this is leading somewhere) and, through the power of Dr Google and obsessive House viewing (the program, not the brick structures) I have decided what is wrong with it and what needs to be done to fix it. I work myself up before each and every knee-man appointment, convinced that he will go against my 'medical' opinion and tell me to limp away.  When, he inevitably does not agree with my analysis I feel defeated, almost sick, this is what was supposed to happen. What I had planned to happen.

I struggle with the knowledge that my plan, no matter how carefully constructed, is not going to happen. God has chosen the right path for me, and this is what I will go along. If He thinks I need a full leg scan then fine, that is what shall be done. If things happen, things outside my control, to make dinner time slip to 5.42, then that is OK. His plan is what's best for me. So by (trying) to cast my scary, obsessive controlling nature away I will be that step closer to God. That step closer to my purpose and that mighty leap closer to His plan.

'Time, after all, is just a fraction of our existence. Anon'

'That people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.  Isaiah 45:6-7'

Pesky seasons

'Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to search and a time to give up,
A time to keep and a time to throw away,
A time to tear and a time to mend,
A time to be silent and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate,
A time for war and a time for peace.'

So. That's the longest quote ever. But that lovely verse got me thinking about the day to dayness of my life, how every ailment, every problem feels like it's never going to go away. But, as the seasons in nature change so do the seasons of our lives. In Spring for instance, trees sprout new buds, new life, just as God places hope in our hearts for our personal changes.

Right now I'm in a broken-knee-but-trying-to-be-positive season. I'm failing miserably and am mainly being a depressive moper whose obsessivly shaving my legs in case of surprise hospital visits. I'd give anything, even my right leg (irony), to be out frolicking in the sunshine. However, this is God's plan. And, through his grace and goodwill I will heal, mend and move onto my next season. This is my time for knee ache. But also my time for great, supportive friends. For teaching my babies all new skills. For sharing my love with my amazing husband and for learning even more about this awesome path I'm on.

All in all. My season ain't too bad.

Toddler School

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

I'm often told I'm strict on my toddler. I expect nice manners, I expect good behavior and will quite happily banish him to the naughty corner if he pushes these boundaries. I, however, will never hit him, rarely raise my voice and respond to him in the same polite, loving manner he speaks to me in. We have a happy time, every day is filled with laughter and I both love, and like, my child. 

Until now I've believed that my parenting 'style' (if there is such a thing) was a reflection on my own childhood. It's not. I do many things differently to how my Mother did. So, how did I learn to teach my children? To raise them in the way I do? It's not simply a gut instinct, it's not a natural response. There are times when the baby won't stop crying, the toddlers whinging for juice/spongebob/cake and I'm rapidly reaching the end of my tether. My natural instinct is to scream, to throw the baby out the window, to put my toddler in a room with the door closed. My gut response tells me to leave the house and ignore the noise, to take myself far, far away. But what do I do? I exhale, blow the anger away and focus on doing good and bringing the joy back. Be it with a cuddle and a story, whatever. 

God guides me in what should be done, in how to discipline, with a firm hand but without anger. For a happy life, for happy children and for a happy relationship with Him.

Flash forward

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. -Romans 8:18"

Whilst tweeting as my 2 year old (Yes, I do this) I saw this quote pop up in my tweet list thing. I understood the words, but did not, by any stretch of the imagination, understand the meaning. The point. So, I called Ruth.

I was going to pass her words off as my own. But, 3 years training in the great art of Creative Writing taught me that this is plagiarism and this is bad. So this is what she said;

"Imagine eternity is like a big, long piece of string. Maybe a circle of string with no end. Your time on Earth is such a tiny little piece, a cord within a cord within a cord. To ensure your eternity, the rest of your string, is glorious and wonderful, you may need to be uncomfortable for this speck of existence."

Those may not be her exact words, I made them prettier. But the 'point' is clear. Be uncomfortable now, follow God's word, be good to your fellow man and your eternity will be more than you can even imagine. Don't sweat the small stuff, it'll be worth it at the end, or the start. Whichever.

Being told.

Today, 48 hours in to Christian-hood, I was praying for God to help me be a better person, a better friend and an all round 'nice person'. The word Jeremiah kept popping into my head, closely followed by the number 17. Did this mean anything to me? No. Not at all. As far as I knew Jeremiah was a man, probably with a beard, who drove tractors and talked about hay. He may, or may not be Amish. I certainly didn't realise it was a book in the Bible. Though this would make more sense.

After a little research and a lengthy phone conversation I was lead to this passage;

'"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"' Jeremiah 29:11

I liked this. But couldn't quite understand how it related to being a good friend. Plus, the number 17 was following me round, interrupting my healthy McDonald's lunch and distracting me from important notebook buying.

17. It's not even a nice number. Not like 12.

Through further discussion with a very good, very Christian lady. I discovered this.

'“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”' Jeremiah 17:7-8 

Ah OK, so in answer to being a good friend? Be a good person. With my roots in goodness, my fruit will be good. With my life following God, my friendships, my relationships, even my writing. It will be good. With God on side, how could I fail? He's the best team captain you ever need.

If you like blogs, and like Jesus, read these blogs. They're great!   

Forgiveness

'Holding a grudge is like swallowing rat poison and waiting for the other person to die'

So, for all intents and purposes, a grudge hurts you. No one else. I'm not going to pretend I know a lot about Christianity. I took my first steps into becoming a fully fledged Christian a mere 24 hours ago and am learning, through the aid of Google and a good friend what I should be doing. But forgiveness is one of the key things, for me, that leaves a big old dirty smut right across my soul.

I am stubborn. Very stubborn. If (I perceive) someone has wronged me than that's it. They're gone and forgotten. I'll haphazardly block and shun people on Facebook. Then bitch and moan about them and use other friends profiles to stalk, to feel righteously slandered, angered and therefore bitch some more. But, and deep breath, it is time for me to move on. To realise it is not down to me to judge people. I have been, and am frequently, forgiven, by my friends, family and God. For not making it to baby group, for calling my husband a tosspot and, in a much, much larger way, for damaging myself.

Forgiveness is hard, and particularly uncomfortable. It goes against all my natural instincts to not cling onto these wrongs. But, to cleanse myself and keep a shiny soul I am inhaling deeply, wrapping those nasty feelings of bitterness into that breath and blowing them out. Gone. God can judge them now.

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you (attitude: forgive because you love the Lord)