Believe and be baptised

In a discussion about baptising my children yesterday I was told, fairly bluntly, by my close friend and teacher, that I too needed to be baptised. Despite my fears of going under water and the logistics of mascara face (how waterproof really is waterproof?) the symbolism struck a chord with me. Since embarking upon my Christian life, since following the path of God, I have shed my sins and become fresh and new. I've found peace. So here is my testimony.

My real problems started at the age of 14. I saw a woman get run over. She was crossing the road towards her husband and newborn baby, a speeding car hit her and she flew into the air like a flying shadow. As she lay in a crumbled heap there was a riot of activity, people trying to help in ever way they could. I stood there, frozen, then walked away. Later I went to court and gave evidence but couldn't shake the guilt, what if I could have saved her?

My self worth was diminishing. I started ritually self harming, not eating, using drugs and alcohol to hide from this guilt. I grew up, learnt to drive, then had a dramatic crash with both brothers in the back of the car. More guilt.

By the time I turned 18 and went to university I was not in a good place at all. My drinking escalated, as did my lack of eating and self abuse. I overdosed and desperately wanted out. I was surviving, just, but I certainly wasn't living. This pattern continued til I met my husband and sought proper help.

Talking about my problems bought everything crashing down. A thwarted suicide attempt landed me in a mental hospital ward, amongst some very, very sick people. When I left I slowly pieced my life back together. I was doing better, and 3 years on and 2 kids later I was ok. Still taking antidepressants and having my down days, but ok.

Then I discovered God.

My first time at church taught me about forgiveness. About how holding a grudge is like swallowing rat poison and waiting for the other person to die. That day I actively sought to forgive a long standing grudge. Yet, it didn't occur to me to forgive myself. My guilt had opressed me for so long I was used to it. Then my teacher pointed me to this;

'judge not and you will not be judged;
Condemn not and you will not be condemned;
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.' Luke 6: 37

You will be forgiven. If God can forgive me, can hold me in His everlasting embrace, then I can actively forgive myself. I know the truth, I know the logic, but now I can use this logic to serve the Lord and to stop sinning through guilt. My body is a creation of Him and damaging it is like disregarding His love and care.

He truely is my heavenly Father, so, thankyou God for bringing me peace and for helping me through my trials. One day at a time. I cannot say I'm cured, but I know that showing faith and trusting God can only lead me onto the path of righteousness. I want to tell the world, to be a spark that starts a flame of faith. To help everyone turn their hearts to Him and to lead the existence He wants for us all.

Amen.