Proof of God

There are many, often heated, discussions taking place about proof of God. About how he cannot exist as there is no physical evidence of Him. I, myself, have challenged my faith. Demanding God performs for me, proves His own existence. I was dismayed when He didn't. 'Ah Ha!' Atheists cry 'see-He doesn't prove he exists, therefore, he doesn't!'

As usual, in times of crisis, I turned to my Bible. Matthew 4, Jesus is tested in the wilderness. After temptations and tests of the devil Jesus answers, bluntly 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test'. To test Him is an act of the devil.

A non-believer will, of course, not believe in the devil either. For the greatest trick the devil ever performed was convincing the world he didn't exist. If you don't believe in the devil, how could you believe in God?

I have proof, within my own life, about Gods existence. Since turning to Him I have begun to beat depression, I no longer feel overwhelmingly lonely, I am at peace (most of the time) with myself. As I'm no longer consumed by my own misery I am a better friend, a better wife and a much better Mother. Coincidence? Yes, it could be put down to that, but, for me, this massive change can only be Gods work and I thank Him every day for it.

I realise not everyone will believe, this saddens me but I will never even attempt to argue someone into it. Religion, of any sort, is something people will (or won't) find for themselves, but I love my God for the change in me. Proof or not.

Good teaching

Todays church teaching was on temptation, not really applicable to me I was smugly thinking. Then 'temptation to test God' ah, right. Oops.

I realise now (after having Matthew 4 broken down and spoon fed to me) that by asking God for something specific, then getting all shirty when it doesn't happen, is testing Him and His love. Jesus didn't need to throw himself off a cliff to prove God would save him, he just knew that He would. So, God, I feel poorly, but instead of shaking my faith I know you will save me. Let's finish this realisation nicely.

Amen.

God, where are you?

I feel a little as if God has left me, stranded in the wilderness, beating snakes away with my two bare hands. After my fun, faith filled, ambulance ride last week I was taking back into hospital. Once more in unbearable pain, once more holding back the anguished tears so I didn't upset my toddler, once more pumped full of drugs. The cause of my pain? Unknown. I prayed, harder than ever, for a simple answer, to know what had happened, what was broke. But apparently, I'm just not meant to know.

The Devil is whispering harder than ever ' He doesn't love you.' 'He doesn't care.' and even ' He doesn't even exist'. Lies. I know He loves me, I know He cares and I most certainly know He exists. But right now, I don't need a Christian answer to my negativity. I need someone to hug, to tell me, yes it was shit, but you can eat cake now, and to feed me aforementioned cake. To fill my half empty glass up with the Holy Spirit and to give me a strong pair of snake wrangling gloves. I need my Christian support. And I really need a twix.

End.

Ambulance rides

In the last 6 months I have been in an ambulance 3 times. For  serious infection, a dislocated knee and, most recently, a burst ovarian cyst. For the first two journeys I was scared senseless, my pain was overbearing, my nails were imbedded in my husbands hand and I thought I, a humble shape of flesh, could never survive such torture. Last night was different.

The pain was akin to a cattle prod in my back. A switched on cattle prod. Once again I was chucked into an ambulance, plugged in to the entinox and was leaving permanent nail indents in my husbands hand. Once again I charted my pain (8 out of 10) and wound myself into the fetal position, once again I left mascara tear tracks all over my face. But this time I didn't think the worse, I knew my God would help me through, I knew this storm would pass and I would hopefully be stronger for it. I knew I wasn't suffering alone.

1 Corinthians 6:19 'or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? Your body is not your own'

He is here, whenever we need Him, and he will weather our storms, side by side with us. When we have our faith in Him we must never suffer alone.

Sandy shores

Magnified sand.

I was thinking about the line  'He even counts every hair on your head!' (Matthew 10:30) today. How God knows us, knows everything, our deepest secrets and desires. How he knows every single hair on our heads. 

To looks at the world mankind is just a blur, like sand on a beach, we are one and the same, all human, all capable of good and evil, all living for a reason though not really knowing what that reason is. What our journey will entail.

God see's us like sand too. But like magnified sand. As the picture above shows, every little speck that, to our naked eye, is the same as every other speck, is actually different. Is incredible and beautiful in it's own, unique way. Is a swirl of pattern, colour and detail that we simply can't see. But God can. He see's us for what we truly are, for what's hidden beneath the blah-ness.

And, through knowing us, he knows what our journey will be. Knows what will be paved before us. Right now, life is feeling pretty mundane, days swirl into one and weeks stretch unbroken, like a deserted beach (I like sand lots today) but, I have faith that the good things will come, by being obedient to His word and surviving the toils of now, I will be rewarded.

So, to sum up that gobbledygook. God knows you, every inch of you, the good and the bad. When life feels dull, you're in pain or other general suffering, believe in Him and that you will get what you need, in His time and to His plan. And lastly, no matter what is going on, your Bible (and cake) will see you through.

'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.'

Befriending

A lot of my thoughts and conversations have been based on friendships lately. Not bitching and moaning about people but the simple divide between healthy and unhealthy relationships. And whether the fight is more important than the friendship.

I have fallen out with people for many stupid reasons. Because I've felt abandoned, because my insecurities told me they preferred my friend, because they forgot to return a jumper they borrowed. All reasons, that in the grand scheme of things, mean absolutely nothing. But, a sensible devotional told me yesterday, you should always ask yourself whether you want to 'prove, or improve'.

IE. Do you care enough about the relationship to talk things through, to have an uncomfortable conversation. Or is proving your right (then most probably bitching about the person for the rest of forever) enough?

There are some relationships I haven't chosen to save. The ones that the Lord most probably deems unhealthy and hasn't prompted me too. But, on the flip side, I have formed strong attachments to people I have known for years, but never really known. My circle of friends have changed from one of moaning and complaining to one where we help each other and encourage, ironically, this circle contains a lot of the same people, but my change of attitude, my obedience, has prompted them to do the same. All in all, we're a much happier bunch, though there is still plenty of cake.

I firmly believe that spreading the word of Christ will create a happier community, a stronger sea of friendships and, eventually, a peaceful world. Anger and conflict, in the simple sense of falling out with a friend to the greater result of countries falling out with other countries is not God's plan. In fact, he tells us this is wrong;

'Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger' Ephesians 4:26

PS. Whilst writing this I have got very angry at the dog. He's trotted around the living room sticking his big snout in the babies face and barking at the tree outside. But, one deep breath later, I have decided I do love him and called him over for some attention. He's now calmly laying in his bed. Even animals appreciate this logic.

Believe and be baptised

In a discussion about baptising my children yesterday I was told, fairly bluntly, by my close friend and teacher, that I too needed to be baptised. Despite my fears of going under water and the logistics of mascara face (how waterproof really is waterproof?) the symbolism struck a chord with me. Since embarking upon my Christian life, since following the path of God, I have shed my sins and become fresh and new. I've found peace. So here is my testimony.

My real problems started at the age of 14. I saw a woman get run over. She was crossing the road towards her husband and newborn baby, a speeding car hit her and she flew into the air like a flying shadow. As she lay in a crumbled heap there was a riot of activity, people trying to help in ever way they could. I stood there, frozen, then walked away. Later I went to court and gave evidence but couldn't shake the guilt, what if I could have saved her?

My self worth was diminishing. I started ritually self harming, not eating, using drugs and alcohol to hide from this guilt. I grew up, learnt to drive, then had a dramatic crash with both brothers in the back of the car. More guilt.

By the time I turned 18 and went to university I was not in a good place at all. My drinking escalated, as did my lack of eating and self abuse. I overdosed and desperately wanted out. I was surviving, just, but I certainly wasn't living. This pattern continued til I met my husband and sought proper help.

Talking about my problems bought everything crashing down. A thwarted suicide attempt landed me in a mental hospital ward, amongst some very, very sick people. When I left I slowly pieced my life back together. I was doing better, and 3 years on and 2 kids later I was ok. Still taking antidepressants and having my down days, but ok.

Then I discovered God.

My first time at church taught me about forgiveness. About how holding a grudge is like swallowing rat poison and waiting for the other person to die. That day I actively sought to forgive a long standing grudge. Yet, it didn't occur to me to forgive myself. My guilt had opressed me for so long I was used to it. Then my teacher pointed me to this;

'judge not and you will not be judged;
Condemn not and you will not be condemned;
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.' Luke 6: 37

You will be forgiven. If God can forgive me, can hold me in His everlasting embrace, then I can actively forgive myself. I know the truth, I know the logic, but now I can use this logic to serve the Lord and to stop sinning through guilt. My body is a creation of Him and damaging it is like disregarding His love and care.

He truely is my heavenly Father, so, thankyou God for bringing me peace and for helping me through my trials. One day at a time. I cannot say I'm cured, but I know that showing faith and trusting God can only lead me onto the path of righteousness. I want to tell the world, to be a spark that starts a flame of faith. To help everyone turn their hearts to Him and to lead the existence He wants for us all.

Amen.